If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
