Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
