I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
