Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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