if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
