I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
