cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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