Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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