If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
