i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
