i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had