wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
