May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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