dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
