i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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