4 words: hood of his car
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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