Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She bit a glass in half.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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