Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
false alarm. still invincible.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
