It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
