taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
