I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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