haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Swine flu. Run for my life!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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