Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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