I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
