Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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