I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
