I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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