well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
