anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
