my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
