U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
