I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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