I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
