True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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