Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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