He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
