Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
