Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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