Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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