Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
