The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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