Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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