I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
