Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sorry about my life...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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