Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
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Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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