she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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