help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This house was built for laser tag.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
