Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
