I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize