How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im holly from the hills drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
