I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
