Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
