i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
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You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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