Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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