oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
